Jesus Bomb - The Second Coming - Bill Sandifer

(scene fades as Choirmaster Bush relaxes testicle clips on tenors)

(cross fade to CBS commentator Digby Graves in the heart of Baghdad)

"Yes, Digby Graves here, Katie, as we continue our special on the Second Coming. We have a special guest standing by who has generously carved out a few minutes of his busy schedule to shed some light on the vast changes sweeping the Middle East, changes which promise to usher in a new era of, uh, peace and understanding. Jesus, tell us, sir, just what, in your estimation, this portends for...... excuse me, sir, I was expecting Jesus, not Malcolm X, and ... who, best I can tell, was not slated for resurrection tonight."

"Excuse me, Digby, but I am the man Jesus. Let not the snappy desert fatigues cloud thy vision. Open thine ears and close thy mouth and hear the truth."

"But Mr. Christ, how or what ... I mean, what or how ........ bottom line, sir, you must understand these are strange times we witness, and most, or at least many, well, you see, were not expecting a man ... of ... well, your persuasion, that is, to say ...

"May I repeat, close thy mouth and hear the truth. Fear not this 'sand nigger', a term to which so many of your viewers can relate. Dark though I be, I hold the grain of truth, the miniscule piece of sand, the true grit of spirit, the eternal burr that hath scored the hide beneath the saddle of this region for, lo, these millennia. And verily I say unto you, the burr of ages hath lost its pricks, if you get my drift." (field producer prompts through Digby's earpiece: "He's speaking in Democratic political metaphor, allusion, Digby, get with it.)

"Pardon me for interrupting, Mr. Christ, but we -- and I would suspect many of our viewers -- are a bit confused about the theme of the Senate Boy Choir regarding this talk of peace which you seem to suggest. Administration sources had indicated a wonderful evening's apocalypse was in store, a holocaust envisioned in nothing less than Revelation, a cleansing of unprecedented proportions that would render the Middle East -- and the world -- safe for oi... that is, freedom and Christian worship."

"May I repeat, sir, the burr hath lost its pricks, Satan is on the dole, the price is right, and the miller's wheel of white bread hath turned its last, hearkening a new beginning. I know not what further vernacular to employ to engage thought in thy simple mind."

"Well, Mr. Christ, we had been led to believe -- on good authority, unofficial authority, of course -- that the remaining young heathens would be, er, be, well, given their eternal papers tonight, what with the air strikes aligned, carefully, of course, so as to avoid any collateral media damage. Of course, a message without a medium is a bit of a tree in the forest, you see."

"Yes, Mr. Digby, we in the business of eternal verities are very aware that your man Bush has succeeded in issuing 'eternal papers' as you suggest to all adult Muslims, the squeamish among you balking at the outright slaughter of inconvenient youth, thus delaying the apocalypse. You see, in the eternal scheme, delays are often of little consequence. Thus we had remained puzzled -- and a bit fatigued -- with your whole hastening bit."

"So, then, you're saying, Mr. Christ, that, well, we may be in for a longer evening than we had anticipated?"

"Mr. Digby, I'll leave you momentarily to rearrange the messy bits of station breaks and advertising. I have an important appearance at a Palestinian youth rally in about 10 minutes."

"Okay, then Katie. As we just heard, the Second Coming appears to be well underway, and we'll continue our exclusive coverage throughout the evening."

"Thanks, Digby. We'll check back with you later in the newscast. Meanwhile, closer to home, Paris Hilton, today, suggested there may have been more to the caring relationship she developed with Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca than she had let on. More after this break."