Dirty Rag

US Politics - Save Our Donuts - Clyde Gallagher

All around the world I have been hearing about how the land of the free and the rarely malnourished has a new crisis so devastating to its very being that is has postponed freedom so it might gain victory in war.

So disturbed are the free people that they have donated over 7 billion dollars to support their government's cause in this holy war. These free workers, some who sweat scrubbing dishes in the mind numbing monotony of machine, others who flash ties and pressed suit coats and bark orders to tell the machine what to do, generously volunteer not to go to jail and pay their taxes neatly and on time.

To show they were serious about their postponement of freedom, the government of the free land confined 1,040,351 of their free citizens who were caught permeating into the enemy's side. This evidence of future victory in this holy war pushed the free country to achieve the highest civilian incarceration rate in the world.

Now there are valid reasons to wage this war. Each year the enemy eats 580,200 free citizens and an even more alarming number than that are slowly being chewed. The enemy is obviously evil and it has to be killed before it eats any more children.

But this is not the reason the free country is waging this holy war. In fact, as a political negotiation, the free country's government actually allows the enemy to eat members of the free population in certain times and in certain places. In the form of alcohol the enemy is allowed to digest 150,000 people a year. In the form of nicotine, it is allowed to eat 425,000 people a year. In fact, these same free citizens who volunteered to decline incarceration and neatly filled out their tax forms, donate their largest farm subsidies to grow entire fields of nicotine for the enemy each year.

Being on the enemy's food chain is not really what is scaring the free country's government at all. In fact, the government's biggest tax dollars and deadliest tanks go to the front lines to fight the enemy in a form in which he doesn't eat anybody at all. Over half of this holy war's money is sacrificed to extinguish cannabis sativa, a form in which the enemy, in its ten thousand years of historical intercourse with humans, has eaten no one.

This may puzzle the reader until he understands the government's real fear of what the enemy will do. The true reason occurred to the writer of this prose in a miraculous visionary trance as he scarfed down his ninth in a row Ho Ho. If the enemy were allowed to live among us, especially in the form of cannabis sativa, there would be a drastic shortage of donuts.

Biplanes and trucks loaded with illegal donuts would have to be smuggled in from Mexico and Brazil to satisfy the free country's growing case of the munchies. Can you imagine the children of the free country buying donuts off shady hoods in dirty alleys? And if these disillusioned children can't buy their donuts, they will take to huffing baking powder and eating raw sugar, and we all know how many brain cells that slaughters.

So action must be taken. Turn in your pothead friends. Give George W. Bush your mother's phone number. Out donuts must be saved. And while this idea may not be legal yet, with a quick push through congress it shall be signed: Shoot a pothead and save a donut. Let's get this bloody conflict over with. Because once victory has been achieved, freedom and God given rights shall be reinstated, pending the President's written signature of approval.