I know you don't
take submissions under any circumstances so I won't send any to
you. You can just read this little email I am sending you and then
delete it and pretend that it never happened and maybe you might
think, "gee that Clare guy was kinda cool, too bad I deleted his
email. Oh well." and then get on with your life and your cushy little
editor job you got set up for yourself while I starve. Jerk.
Let me just tell
you one thing before you press that delete key though; My deepest
passion and desire ever since yesterday has been to write for the
Onion. Well, actually I wanted to be a syndicated columnist a few
days ago and a hairdresser the day before that, but my mom says
I have ADD (she is a doctor) and that I need a "coach" to help me
stay on task and focus, so I, uh, decided that I could do all of
these things like be a columnist only I need a coach. So then I
started thinking that an editor is kinda like a coach and I have
like four and a half years of college, so I know how to do stuff
that you learn in art school like write things. So if you could
just call me once a day and tell me that I am a good writer and
that if I just focus and work really hard I can crank out 750 words
a week on a subject. You could help me find subjects too! You can
call me collect or I can call you right back.
I know you are
a busy man, but maybe you could come to my house once a month with
a whistle, and a shirt that says "Columnist Coach"? We could have
a blast doing writing exercises; I would take a lot of abuse. You
could yell at me about comic rhythm, spelling, and narrative voice
and I could say "sorry coach, just give me a chance. I WILL try
harder" You could hit me with a ruler.
Man, now I am
getting really excited! We could become like friends in a sort of
mentor/student kind of way. A really deep relationship could form
and we would be like the old Asian guy and the kid in "Karate Kid"
(I would be the kid). Maybe someday you would even give me a cool
car. I am so glad that you think that I have what it takes to be
a real writer and I can't thank you enough for taking me under your
wing and showing me "tough love"! Gosh just when you think your
not going to make it life always throws you a real dooozie.
I still might
decide to open that raver clothes store though, so if that phat,
dope-ass dealie lights up, I might have to diss you, yo. word.
With respect yo,