dirty rag

Humor - Getting Published - Clare

Hi Bob,

I know you don't take submissions under any circumstances so I won't send any to you. You can just read this little email I am sending you and then delete it and pretend that it never happened and maybe you might think, "gee that Clare guy was kinda cool, too bad I deleted his email. Oh well." and then get on with your life and your cushy little editor job you got set up for yourself while I starve. Jerk.

The author

Let me just tell you one thing before you press that delete key though; My deepest passion and desire ever since yesterday has been to write for the Onion. Well, actually I wanted to be a syndicated columnist a few days ago and a hairdresser the day before that, but my mom says I have ADD (she is a doctor) and that I need a "coach" to help me stay on task and focus, so I, uh, decided that I could do all of these things like be a columnist only I need a coach. So then I started thinking that an editor is kinda like a coach and I have like four and a half years of college, so I know how to do stuff that you learn in art school like write things. So if you could just call me once a day and tell me that I am a good writer and that if I just focus and work really hard I can crank out 750 words a week on a subject. You could help me find subjects too! You can call me collect or I can call you right back.

I know you are a busy man, but maybe you could come to my house once a month with a whistle, and a shirt that says "Columnist Coach"? We could have a blast doing writing exercises; I would take a lot of abuse. You could yell at me about comic rhythm, spelling, and narrative voice and I could say "sorry coach, just give me a chance. I WILL try harder" You could hit me with a ruler.

Man, now I am getting really excited! We could become like friends in a sort of mentor/student kind of way. A really deep relationship could form and we would be like the old Asian guy and the kid in "Karate Kid" (I would be the kid). Maybe someday you would even give me a cool car. I am so glad that you think that I have what it takes to be a real writer and I can't thank you enough for taking me under your wing and showing me "tough love"! Gosh just when you think your not going to make it life always throws you a real dooozie.

I still might decide to open that raver clothes store though, so if that phat, dope-ass dealie lights up, I might have to diss you, yo. word.

With respect yo,