are continuing their investigation into the rumor that President
Bush was killed or severely wounded, perhaps as a result of massive
citizen demonstrations against his Iraq war plan. Although recent
photographs and even video clips of the president have appeared
on national media, analysts studying the photographs, videos, and
presidential comments wonder if the American public is seeing the
real president or someone (or some thing) that just looks and talks
like him. The investigation focuses on the following concerns:
-- When he was
running for election, George W. Bush identified himself as a "compassionate
conservative." Since neither the "president" nor his administration
have shown any sign of compassion, and, in fact, have gone out of
their way to legislate cruel and harsh measures that penalize the
poor while rewarding the rich, some analysts suspect that Mr. Bush
has been replaced by someone pursuing goals that are the exact opposite
of what the real George Bush promised while a presidential candidate.
candidate Bush expressed concern for preserving the environment,
yet his administration wants to change long-standing environmental
policies and replace real enforcement with cute-sounding initiatives
that allow cutting national forests, oil drilling in protected and
sensitive environments, snowmobiles in Yellowstone National Park,
and so on.
-- Candidate Bush
expressed his genuine faith in God, but whoever is currently impersonating
the president acts in a manner opposed by every major religious
organization in the world, including his own.
-- Candidate Bush
appeared to be a rather simple good old boy who easily mingled with
common people and shared their thoughts and concerns. President
"Bush", on the other hand, seems totally insensitive to the concerns
of people who aren't already wealthy and powerful. He appears unable
to suppress a nasty smirk when a smile and kindness would seem more
called for; and he seems to devote more time and energy to exercise
and sleep than to resolving -- or even thinking about -- the tanking
stock market, skyrocketing national debt, growing joblessness, crippled
state budgets, and other problems that hurt ordinary citizens.
These, along with
other observations that are all too familiar to Washington observers,
have led to the truly frightening speculation that George W. Bush
is either (a) dead, (b) brain dead, (c) kidnapped and replaced by
a body double or animatronic robot, (d) or a totally different person
from whom he represented himself to be during the election campaign.
Because this final possibility would require corruption and cynicism
on a scale unimaginable in all of American history it isn't seriously
considered. Unfortunately, that leaves America to deal with either
a brain-dead or imposter president.
There is one other
explanation that is only mentioned in whispers, and which we repeat
here just because we have heard it from multiple sources. This is
that the actions or policies of this "president" are not those of
a rational person, and hint that the U.S. Government may have been
taken over, in a silent coup d'etat, by a secret cabal of ultra-conservative,
religious fanatics. Some have even whispered the possibility that
Osama bin Laden, the only other world leader whose views are as
fanatical as the president's, may have somehow found a way to take
over the U.S. government.
As evidence for
this even more alarming possibility, analysts note that George H.
W. Bush, the current "president's" father, has long conducted oil
business as head of the Carlyle Group with Osama's father, Mohammed
bin Laden, head of the Saudi BinLaden Group. They also note this
administration's embarrassing inability to hunt down Osama, the
most wanted man in the world, and the "president's" inexplicable
silence about bin Laden in recent months.